140, Mastering Your Inner Critic: Empowering Strategies to Boost Your Best Self with Susan Brady

Sabrina Gebhardt 0:00

Hi, my name is Sabrina Gephardt and I'm a member of Kate Kordsmeier Is the incubator. I have loved being a part of this program and I want to share three of my favorite reasons why. So first and foremost is the community. Being surrounded by people who are going through the exact same thing has been absolutely incredible. The incubator is a group of women entrepreneurs, a lot of them are moms, some of us are in different seasons of life. And just understanding the struggles between work life balance, and balancing motherhood and balancing a career has been so wonderful. This is a community where we are able to share our wins and losses and be vulnerable and ask questions and I have loved that so much. I also love the ideas that come out of the incubator, not only ideas that come from Kate and her team, but also again, being surrounded by those like minded entrepreneurs. Being surrounded by women in different industries with different levels of experience brings different ideas to the table. And that has been invaluable. And the last thing I want to share is having access to so many people who are experts in their field, tech experts, SEO experts, copywriting experts, money, mindset experts, and so many more. So a lot of masterminds or programs focus on one specific thing, and that's great and you learn that thing, but the incubator offers insight and access to information about so many different areas. And that is awesome.

Kate Kordsmeier 1:29

You're listening to the Success with Soul podcast where we believe empowering women is the key to creating a brighter future for us all. Whether you're an entrepreneur, employee or stay at home mom, this podcast is for you. I'm your host Kate Kordsmeier and ICF life and business coach who has made over 2.2 million while working less than 25 hours a week, raising two toddlers and quitting social media. I'm here to transparently share my expertise and help you create a life and business you love. Together with my diverse team of passionate women many of whom you'll hear from on this podcast. We empower 1000s With holistic strategies, personal development resources and mindset tools to find freedom, flexibility and fulfillment and business and beyond. Every week we offer life coaching for Busy Women who want to improve their relationships, self care and overall well being and business coaching for coaches, course creators and consultants who want to make money sustainably. We believe personal growth and entrepreneurship are powerful tools for creating social change. And the world is a better place When more women find their voice and create their own money, power and freedom. Expect candid conversations and insightful interviews with experts that will inspire and support you on your path to intentional whole living and Success with Soul on your terms. It's time to ditch the hustle and find inner peace. Here we go.

Indira 2:57

Welcome back to the Success with Soul podcast. I'm your guest host Indira and I am so excited for today's interview. I just had the best time getting to interview Susan Brady. She is a Deloitte Ellen Gabriel chair for women in leadership at Simmons University, and the first Chief Executive Officer of the Simmons University Institute for inclusive leadership. Susan has also published two books on leadership and co authored a third arrive and thrive which we briefly speak about in this interview. During this discussion, Susan teaches us how to master our own inner critic. We also talk about what keeping the focus on the palm of your hand means and investing in your best self. There were so many gold nuggets in this interview, and I have literally walked away feeling like wow, I am better for having had this conversation. And I hope that y'all feel the same. So let's dive in. Susan, welcome today to the Success with Soul podcast. I am so excited to have you on here and excited for our listeners. Please take a moment to introduce yourself to the Success with Soul podcast listeners.

Susan Brady 4:31

Well, first of all, thank you so much for having me. I'm delighted to be with you. I love talking about all the goodness that we have in store. And I guess my official title is I am the founding CEO of the Simmons University Institute for inclusive leadership. Simmons University is a women's centered University in Boston and I work with professional organizations and our institute brings true meaning and conferences and other leadership development for the purposes of shifting minds around what it means to be inclusive and to create gender parity in leadership. I'm an author, and a sunset chaser, and a mom of two girls and a mom of two Portuguese water dogs. And I hail from the small island of Martha's Vineyard, where I probably went to high school and grew up. And so I have an affection for words and beaches.

Indira 5:35

I love that I am from South Florida. So I feel the same about the beaches.

Susan Brady 5:41

Yeah. Well, oxygen. Yeah.

Indira 5:44

So Susan, I want to dive right into it, you and I chatted a little before and there is something that we spoke about that, I definitely think our listeners would benefit from hearing from you. And that is, what does it mean to master your own inner critic? And why is that so important in personal and professional growth?

Susan Brady 6:09

Oh, gosh, so Well look, to master is just hard to notice on a moment to moment basis, when we're not being so kind in our mind, you know, what we think and feel drives what we say and do. So if we're thinking and feeling things that are harsh about ourselves or about others, it's going to impact the efficacy of our impact in relationship to others and in relationship to ourselves. So this is important work. And it's important work personally, in personal relationships. And it's, it's really important, professionally to navigate, especially now the complex dimensions of difference seen and unseen, that we're having to negotiate at work.

Indira 6:58

Absolutely. So how does an inner critic, how does that mindset and that self perception? Like what are some common ways where in your field, where you have seen that it, it's holding people back?

Susan Brady 7:13

So right, so just a bit about the way the inner critic shows up? So I call her fair game, so she can be pointed at me, we can have a pointing at ourselves. So it's, you know, you shouldn't have you should have you were supposed to, why didn't you? It's by definition, sort of distracting and minimizing its questioning of your value. If my inner critic runs rampant about me, I'm probably not going to speak up or stand up for what I believe think feels right, I'm probably going to hold back, I'm not going to maybe maybe I'll question my true value, I'm going to take less risks, I'm going to be less courageous, I'm going to feel less safe being authentic, I'm going to question my own ability to be resilient. I mean, the list goes on and on. But I'm going to play less. So it doesn't necessarily hurt others, because in relationship, it does hurt organizations. Because if I'm not bringing my full self, because I don't feel good enough about myself to the table, you're only getting a fraction of the actual potential value that I could add. Conversely, if my inner critic is sort of, in my head focused on others, you know, they should have they shouldn't have they were supposed to, they didn't, why did they, that's actually doesn't feel good. Even if you think it, people can sense when you're being critical of them. You know, last I checked, people don't like to be controlled, they don't like to be yelled at, they don't like to be bullied, they don't like to be put down. They don't like to be interrupted, they don't like being reacted to. And so all sorts of implications with how we work effectively together with others, stems as a result of not being super clear and intentional about from where we are speaking. And from, you know, that begins with noticing thoughts and feelings and then managing how we show up in the world. I love that.

Indira 9:07

So, leaning a little bit more into that clarity and intention. Those were the two words that really stood out to me, what are some strategies or techniques that individuals can use to identify and overcome their inner critics? You know, that negative self talk?

Susan Brady 9:25

Yeah, so more and more, you know, I've been referring to this as the radical reframe. Okay, so first things first, you have to actually notice, okay, so you actually have to be aware and I would say easy red flags for everyone who's going to watch or listen is the words I've used around should shouldn't suppose too. If that's a thought you're having about yourself or someone else. I would immediately just take a little timeout like what's going on right because when we're acting from there, there's already resentment. There's already disappointment. There's already annoyance. There's already some level of dissatisfaction And chances are you're not going to be able to bring your best self to the table. So you have to reframe, like, first what's going on? So I would say step one is to notice, like, what are the harsh feelings or thoughts that are running in your head? You know, I don't think we all live every day all day long, feeling harsh feelings or thinking harsh thoughts. And I think it's a very human experience to do this more often than we even know.

Indira 10:25

Yeah. So speaking into the reframing, how can reframing that negative self talk? And really cultivating self compassion? Right, contribute to personal and professional success? Yeah,

Susan Brady 10:38

yeah. So look, after you recognize it, you have to take a timeout, because something's up, you know, if you're already being critical of yourself, or someone else, something's going on. So I would say just, you know, just take a hot minute, and adult timeout, take a walk, take a breath, if you're in a meeting. Just pause. Right. So we've got the, you know, that the nervous system involved here, of course, right. So when we're in a moment of harshness, chances are something in our sympathetic nervous system is, is activated, right. So our action might be fight flight fix. And that is a reaction to feeling something that doesn't feel good. We want to hang out more in our a sympathetic nervous system where we can choose from a state of intentionality, of calm, of groundedness, of being purposeful, as opposed to sort of heightened sense of reactivity. So yeah, there's a couple of different moves we can make. And you certainly can ask for help from others. But sort of in the heat of the moment, the first step is to pause and to just take a breath, I sort of counter I use both compassion and sort of radical levels of compassion and radical levels of curiosity, what is going on? Why am I triggered right now. So it's being incredibly curious about why, and then what I might need, in order to step back into being sort of coming from a place of respect and compassion. And then channeling passion, like you said, super hard, you know, when you're in a moment of feeling not good enough, the last thing you want to do is like, oh, but you're so wonderful. If my inner critic is, she's, she's old, she's why she is so good at her job. I have now birth an inner champion, and my inner champion, you know, she's got a lot of energy, and she's younger, she's more fit. And she's exuberant. And you know, it's that voice that I channel, like, hang on a minute, you know, he's doing the best he can, or, I mean, just the other day, I had the thought, well, you've been thinner, you've been better, like in my own, ever changing aging body, right? So. So it's the voice inside our head that is kinder and gentler, and, frankly, more empathetic with ourselves or with others, so that we can return to a place where we can actually be productive. And if we need to make a request, we can make a request from that place. Or if we need to ask a question. To learn more, we can ask a question from that place, as opposed to, you know, attitude.

Indira 13:17

I love that you said curiosity. That's actually one of my core values in life. So I need to know that a lot more. Yeah. And that came from being highly self critical. Having that inner critic and, you know, deciding that I wanted to be curious instead of judgmental.

Susan Brady 13:38

Yeah. So it's interesting that you say decided, I do think it's a choice. I really do. For those people who suffer from an undiagnosed mental health issue, like depression or anxiety, it's hard to just decide and then change, oftentimes, you know, some sort of cognitive behavioral and or medical intervention is necessary to really practice this work. And certainly, it's avail to just about every healthy adult, you know, we have all the capacity tick the space between stimulus and response. And I do think in that space is just about all the grace we need to have the lives we want. So it does take a lot of curiosity, though.

Indira 14:24

What's gonna have to happen at Lee does a quote comes up for me and it's Mel Robbins. And she says that change comes down to a choice. Change your decisions, change your life.

Susan Brady 14:37

That's all a choice. Yeah, I agree.

Kate Kordsmeier 14:38

Yeah. Well, hey, there, it's Kate Kordsmeier and I wanted to play a quick game with you. Let me know which of these you can raise your hand for? Are you wanting to reconnect with your authentic self, soul and purpose to become the woman you want to be? You wanting to create aligned habits from More rest and less stress to live intentionally and take control of your daily life, to connect to other women who are on growth journeys, and rediscover your inherent worthiness and value so you can step into your power. Are you wanting to get clarity on life's decisions and your direction? Are you wanting to partner with your mindset to achieve your goals and find the balance between your priorities and all of the competing roles you serve? If you're saying yes, then you're going to absolutely love our Success with Soul membership. This monthly membership includes monthly soul sessions with energy healers, spiritual guides, wellness gurus and other guest experts, monthly mindset coaching calls cyclical living guidance, journaling prompts and taro and other resources and tools for living a soulful, whole life. Head on over to Kate kordsmeier.com, forward slash membership to join us today. That's Kate kordsmeier.com, forward slash membership.

Indira 16:02

I want to switch gears a little bit, keeping the focus on the palm of your hand. That's a really powerful concept. Can you explain what it means? And how can it help individuals stay present and focused.

Susan Brady 16:17

So the locus of control of how I show up in the world, regardless of what's happening outside me. So that's other people's behavior. That's global events, like pandemics, wars, dictators, politicians stuff, whether it's not dependent, actually, on external forces, because it's an intrinsic practice. So what I remind people is that the locus of control is in the palm of your hands, no one robs you of the ability to take the space, so that you can show up the way you want to show up, you're not gonna do it perfectly, because we all get triggered, we all get stressed, we all feel reactive, sometimes. I mean, I gotta tell you, like, I am a big fan of yoga, I think meditation, yoga, conscious breath work, is really, really helpful to align our energies. And, you know, I've seen someone lead from a yoga class that was just in Lotus Pose, and go give someone the finger in the parking lot, because they cut her off driving, but I've actually witnessed this. And so something happens, where we can be an intentional sort of consciousness one minute about being compassionate, and being coming from respect and curiosity and all the things that we value and espouse. And the next minute, we don't honor that value. So what I like to sort of hold is that it's the choice that is the choice to show up in the ways that make us feel good, and that it's productive in relationship and, and results in the impact we want, is in the palm of our hands, you know, no one can make you feel bad without your consent. And so we reminding ourselves, like, oh, wait a minute, hang on, you know, I'm waiting for permission to be able to feel a certain way or think a certain way or act a certain way. It's like, hang on a minute, you know, take back, take back the mantle of how you get to show up.

Indira 18:17

Yeah, I very much like the idea of literally looking down at the palm of my hand, sometimes it's important to kind of like have that physical trigger of, you know, it is really in the palm of your hand. So I love that. How can maintaining focus on the present moment, really positively impact our productivity, our decision making and our overall well being?

Susan Brady 18:43

Yeah, I mean, your most powerful moment is your present moment. How? Yes, you got to return there. So here's the thing. The world is not orchestrating ease when it comes to being present. I mean, just having a phone that's dinging in the background, but just not doing it turn my ringer off. But like, you know, my daughter has an override of ring on this. And I'm like, I tell her I was in a pack, right. So like, there is both present distractions, as well as the anticipation of distractions, right in our own mind, as well as, you know, second conversations or third conversations in our own head, you know, the many voices in our head, there's no shortage of opportunity to not be present. And so I believe being present is a moment to moment. Practice, which is, oh my gosh, I've noticed like, I'm in this meeting, but my mind just drifted over here. Come on back. Right. So I catch myself when I'm not present. I tell women this a lot who struggle with guilt, particularly, you know, if they travel for work and have a family at home, or if they feel torn between being in two places. A lot of us do too much. And so we feel like we're never doing any one thing quite enough. The loving remedy to this is to bring ourselves back to the present moment. If I choose to be traveling for work to give my gifts and to inspire others to do this work, I'm not by definition at home, you know, when my daughter comes home from high school and is hoping I'll be there to make her a salad. So am I going to, you know, be in, you know, going to San Diego, I'm not going to, I'm not gonna be in California in a couple days, feeling bad that I'm not at home? No. And that's a choice too. And when I think it, I can say, Nope, you know what, it's okay, you get to be here, now, be here. Now. The only one that loses if I don't live my life in the present is me. You know, that's the first person who loses. And then I would argue a lot of other people lose too, because then I go into feelings of shame and not good enough. And then I start to have expectations about how other people should show up. Because if they did, that, I could be in the present more, you know, see how like blame and shame just kind of SEEP right in there for why we can't be in the present. I say, it's just not true. We can determine that. And it is moment to moment.

Indira 21:03

Yes, it's definitely a practice. It's a practice. It's Yes,

Susan Brady 21:07

I feel like, you know, there's so many people who are like, well, if I just go to this one workshop, or if I, you know, and I'm in the business of writing books, and giving talks, everything, but I think there's this like holy grail concept of, if I just climb that next mountain top, then I'll be okay, then I'll I'll see the answer, then I'll arrive and it's like, hang on, you know, do all the things that let you up, do all the things that bring you to your best self. And know that life is hard. You know, relationships are hard. People disappoint us, things don't go the way where they're planned sometimes, to have the expectation of a rival, I think is a really faulty premise. It's like, I have just saved if I can do better as my moments pass, you know?

Indira 21:55

Yeah. Something that you just said to have the moment of arrival. I've trained for marathons before and I can unequivocally say that, what I remember most were my training runs. Sure. I remember crossing the finish line. Absolutely. But what I go to when I recall my marathon journeys, were my training runs. And what I felt in, you know, how I did it, or everything that came up was the journey. It definitely was not that the day of which felt like it went by in a jiffy. So, absolutely.

Susan Brady 22:37

I know it is. But you know, the older I get, the more I realized, truly, life is a journey. It's not about the destination. It's about growing and learning and becoming along the way. Yes,

Indira 22:51

I love that becoming. So you said something, and that is your best self. So investing in one's best self, right? That's a concept that I think we're all striving for, at least in our space. I know our listeners definitely are. Can you explain? What does it entail? How do individuals go about becoming their best self?

Susan Brady 23:15

You bet. This is my favorite topic. Ken, it's one of the same with sort of returning to a compassionate place to mastering your inner critic to living in full respect to adopting the radical reframe. So the way we define best self and my co authors and I wrote about it in our last book, I wrote a book with Janet Fauci and Lynn Perry Wooten, and it's called arrive and thrive. Seven impactful practices for women navigating leadership, I would argue for anyone who identifies in any way, shape or form that's listening to this podcast, these seven practices apply to you, I think they're human practices. And the context, some of the, you know, the gendered context in which we work and live is infused in in the work. But that doesn't mean we believe that in order to live a life of significance, we need to invest and return to our best self. The way we define ourselves is it's where your strengths and talents both earned and developed over the course of your life experience, as well as you know, character traits that make you you when your strengths and talents come into concert with where you're called to add value to others, right? So where people see those and want them and value them, which is also where you experience vitality and joy. So it's really the ultimate trifecta is when your strengths and talents, add value to others and light you up. That is your best self. Just even noticing how much real estate in my day, am I spending feeling like I'm even close to being my best self, right? And I think the being of best self, it's probably not realistic to think that we're going to be doing the things where all of these three things match up every minute of every day, right? Because, I mean, just, you know, I have to remind really smart people a lot like leadership is a relationship. Relationships are subjective, which means at any moment, I might say something, or you might say something that one of us will either misinterpret, not understand to be what we meant, be offended by it, you know, have a reaction to it. And therein lies like, Oh, I was just being my best self. I'm trying to do my jam here. And, you know, so then we're now we're in conflict. And so I don't think being in the flow of our best self, all day, every day is realistic, we can truly work though, on making choices, going back to choice making, to both be inside ourselves in our best self, which is to be appreciative, assuming best intention, and returning to a place of respect before we speak. And we also can make choices about how we spend our time, that would avail us a feeling of more energy, because I think being in our best self is an energizing, by definition is an energizing place. Right? Because we are we're light, we're integrated. We're lit up,

Indira 26:15

we're lit up. Yes, I love that. Is there anything that you wish I had asked that I didn't ask?

Susan Brady 26:24

No, although I'll offer to you this. I am a fellow traveler. I have a ton of evidence based research and field research at this point. After five, you know, I'm working on my fifth book, I've worked with 1000s of leaders. And at the end of the day, I practice a moment to moment practice to return to my best self. And the reason I want to share that with you is because again, going back to like there's no mountaintop, there's no arrival, I think to be human is to struggle, in relationship with self and relationship with others, in the name of the game is to be aware, is conscious awareness. And so I just want to say I stand for both being human messing up, you know, and committing, over and over and over again to doing better.

Indira 27:14

I love that it reminds me of Maya Angelou. When you know, better you do better.

Susan Brady 27:20

Yes, that's all we can do. Yes.

Indira 27:23

Susan, here in the podcast, we have a lightning round. So I am just going to ask you five questions. Don't overthink it. The first one is what's your favorite way to make time for self care? While you know running your own company? Schedule a schedule it? Hey, what's one tool or strategy that you use to help with time management?

Susan Brady 27:50

Sounds very indulgent. I have an administrative. I have an executive assistant who helps me manage my life. It's an earned privilege that I'm very conscious of. The other thing is I take time to think ahead. And so sometimes I have to schedule the time. So when what answers wanted to go together,

Indira 28:08

schedule it? Yes. Here at Team K. K, we're big on if it's not on the calendar, it probably isn't going to happen, right? Yes. What's the most powerful and this I'd love to hear from you, being that you yourself on are an author? What's the most powerful business mindset book you've ever read? This is the one that you're referencing over and over again, and has made the biggest difference in your life.

Susan Brady 28:33

There's so many it depends upon the season, right? Right now the I mean, the season of life I'm in this is not a speed round answer. But my favorite book right now is a book called boundary boss because I worked hard on my self esteem and learning boundaries, interpersonal boundaries, as a card carrying member of the people pleasing party has been just a gift. So it's by Terry Cole boundary boss.

Indira 29:00

Love it. This is going to definitely go into our list. What's your favorite quote, mantra or affirmation for when things get tough and you feel like giving up?

Susan Brady 29:13

You already mentioned Maya Angelou. For a long time I closed every keynote I gave on the inner critic with you know, people will forget what you're saying what you do, but they'll always remember how, how you made them feel. And I think that single notion of how do I want to be remembered in the moment in the day in the years ahead and after I leave the earth that inspires me to do better of that.

Indira 29:39

Love that. Okay, and you're in the Success with Soul podcast. So what does Success with Soul mean to you?

Susan Brady 29:48

I think I translate success now to thriving. I prefer the word thriving with soul because it feels more all encompassing to me, so I would say Success with Soul feels like I'm thriving from a place of full respect for myself. And I returned to that place and give up my gifts and pay attention to where I'm called to add service to add value.

Indira 30:14

I love that you're the first person that has ever said that on the podcasts. Wow. Yes. Okay. I love it. Susan, where can our listeners find you?

Susan Brady 30:27

Lots of places. Okay, so I'm on LinkedIn. I use my maiden name because there's a lot of susan brady's Susan McEntee. Brady and find me on LinkedIn. You can find me on Instagram On Facebook, also inclusive leadership.com. And we have a book website for my last book arrive and tribe.com. So any of those places?

Indira 30:45

Wonderful. Susan, thank you so much for being on the podcast today. I know our listeners are going to love this episode. I'm grateful for you taking the time.

Susan Brady 30:58

You're such a warm and gracious host. And it's been a pleasure being with you.

Indira 31:03

So thanks so much. Bye.

Kate Kordsmeier 31:09

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