A Pause for Grief: Feminist Reflections + Connection

Last Updated on November 15, 2024

⏭️  TL;DR We’re taking a break from our regularly scheduled programming to hold space for those feeling grief, betrayal, or fear about what the US election results mean for women, people of color, immigrants, and LGBTQ folks. As I strive to create a truly inclusive space, I don’t need everyone here to think like me. AND I won’t stay silent about issues that impact our safety, dignity, and basic human rights. If you’re feeling sad, angry and scared, you are not alone. And if you’re not, I invite you to listen to those who are. 

Uuuuugggghhhhhh. Ya know? Just Ugh! 😩😭

I spent Tuesday night (11/5/24) with my family, a big Manhattan, bag of salt and vinegar chips, and the kind of dread I don’t remember feeling since…well, you know.

We tried to tune out the news and just watch something light, but as the election results came in, it felt like an emotional rollercoaster without the high points. Just that steady, sinking feeling.

We went to bed before we knew, and I woke in fits and starts throughout the night hoping it was all just a bad dream, certain I’d find that justice prevailed in the morning. 

As we all know now, it did not. I woke up on Wednesday to a darkness that seemed to seep into everything, even my coffee tasted different and my bones felt heavier.

After a tearful school drop off, I took a walk to clear my head and found myself weeping down the sidewalk as I talked to a friend.

We were just stunned, trying to understand how, asking the question that so many women are asking ourselves right now: What did we ever do to make them hate us so much?

How is it possible that so many people would rather vote for a convicted felon, rapist, insurrectionist than a competent woman?

I spent the rest of the morning numb on the couch, alternating between staring blankly at the ceiling and trying to distract myself with the new Liane Moriarty book. Every few pages, I’d check my phone, texting friends in disbelief, asking: 

• How could good, kind people choose him?
• Did they not hear a word he said?
• Do they not care he’s been impeached twice by Congress and is currently facing over 90 criminal charges?
• Do they not care he’s been found guilty of sexual assault, and credibly accused by dozens more women?
• Do they not care he openly praises dictators and threatens violence against his own people?
• Do they not care that economists overwhelmingly believe his sweeping tariffs will reignite the inflation that had largely been tamed?
• Do they not care he’s blatantly lied and spread misinformation so dangerous it led to violence and the worst division our country has ever seen?

I hoped one of them would have an answer that made sense. They didn’t. None of us did.

I needed to do something, so I donated to Planned Parenthood in my daughter’s name. (please join me to do whatever we can to protect our reproductive rights***)

Around lunchtime, I took to our Slack community to hold space for everyone’s grief. 

Someone commented:

“It’s surprising to see this topic come up on your platform. It’s a sensitive area that could affect follower engagement and potentially impact sales.”

Damn right. If standing up for women, for justice, for basic human decency costs me followers or sales, then I’ll pay that price every single time. 

Silence is what keeps injustice alive.

And I’m here to do work that matters.

So no, I’m not going to stay quiet about this. That’s what they want. To keep women small, submissive and grateful for scraps. Well, not this bitch! 

For those of us grieving, this week is not business as usual. And I won’t pretend otherwise.

While Success with Soul is a safe space for people from all different backgrounds and perspectives, this week feels like betrayal for many of us.

Not by the politicians, but by our neighbors who just voted that women’s lives are secondary. 

Our fellow Americans just confirmed that nothing—nothing—a white man could do would ever disqualify him as much as being a woman would. It feels like abandonment by 72 million people. 

And we deserve to be able to grieve and feel scared. Give us, at least, that much. 

By dinnertime, I didn’t have the energy for anything but McDonald’s, but sadly, not even golden, salty comfort food could reach the hurt.

After the kids were in bed, my husband Mattie and I sat in front of the TV and watched Kamala’s concession speech, and he just broke down.

“It’s so gracious. So decent,” he cried. “And we won’t see this again for years.”

We went to bed just holding each other, trying to grasp onto that last bit of kindness before sleep.

If you don’t understand what I’m talking about–if you think this was just about the economy, please hear me (and read this). 

This isn’t about losing an election—this is about feeling like we (women, people of color, immigrants, and LGBTQ folks) have been told, loudly and clearly, that our safety, our rights, and our dignity are optional.

We have a convicted felon, a known rapist, and a dangerous insurrectionist who swept the election, backed by the votes of millions in our community.

It’s hard impossible not to feel dismissed. Our neighbors just clarified whose lives mattered, and it wasn’t ours. 

So yeah, as a woman, a mother to a daughter, and a sexual assault survivor, I feel disbelief and devastation. 

And it’s not even about him. I’m grieving the loss of a country I thought cared about us. 

It feels terrifying and traumatic to have someone who so publicly mistreats women be chosen by over half our people.

It feels like my life means nothing, like women’s bodies are just for men’s pleasure and nothing more, like what happened to me isn’t a big deal. 

What do I tell my son about how to be a good person when so many chose a leader who lies, bullies, degrades, cheats, abuses and harms others? That he’s got an R next to his name is.not.good.enough. 

I don’t know how to look my daughter in the eye and tell her she is safe or valued anymore when the people who are supposed to protect her just voted that women’s lives are, ultimately, disposable.

Do I tell her that no matter what we do, how qualified we are, how much we contribute, we’ll still be passed over, stepped on, discarded?

We are literally one of the only modern, first-world countries to never be led by a woman. And now it seems there is nothing a white man can do that would be worse than being a woman. 

But I’m not sharing this to start a fight, truly. I’m sharing it to hold space for those of us who need it (maybe even the women who have such internalized misogyny that they voted for him too).

I’m sharing it because, as business owners, leaders, and human beings, staying silent only serves those who benefit from our oppression.

If you’re grieving right now, you’re not alone.

If you’re exhausted from this constant fight for basic decency, I’m with you.

This week (or however long you need), let’s pause, mourn, and hold space for all that feels broken. 

Then, when we’re ready, let’s keep fighting the good fight—for us, for our daughters, for a world where we don’t have to apologize for expecting respect and justice.

Thank you for allowing me to show up as my whole self. This email is also for me. It’s my outlet, my platform, and I needed to get that out. 

I’m standing with you all today, regardless of how you voted.

Because no matter what, we all deserve better than this. 

***REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS

When we talk about reproductive rights, we’re talking about so much more than abortion.


Without reproductive rights, people lose access to IVF and fertility preservation treatments (like freezing your eggs) to start families.


We lose access to birth control, emergency contraception and IUDs, which prevents unintended pregnancies and treats conditions like PCOS or endometriosis. We lose critical healthcare services like cancer screenings and STI testing.


Did you know women with conditions like cancer may be refused life-saving treatments if they’re pregnant, as some doctors fear the legal ramifications of harming the fetus—even if the mother’s life is at risk?


It’s true–without safe abortion access, women facing life-threatening pregnancy complications risk death and future infertility when they can’t get timely, necessary care, increasing maternal mortality. The U.S. already has one of the highest maternal mortality rates in the developed world, and abortion restrictions make it worse.


Why? Because doctors are too afraid to treat them and are forced to prioritize the “potential” of a fetus over the immediate health of a living, breathing person.

It even affects women suffering the heartbreak of miscarriage, because the care is identical to abortion care, so it becomes a legal minefield. Meaning women face more trauma and complications.

And yes, when we restrict abortion access, women are forced into unsafe, unregulated procedures that put more lives at risk for injury, infection, or death.


In fact, studies show that restricting abortion access doesn’t reduce abortions, it just makes them more dangerous.


Women, including young girls and victims of assault, are forced to carry traumatic pregnancies that can deeply impact their phsyical and mental health, education, career, and wellbeing.


And don’t let the media fool you. The CDC reports that over 94% of abortions happen before 13 weeks, with fewer than 1% of abortions happen at 21 weeks or later. Reputable medical groups affirm that the term “late-term abortion” has no medical meaning and should not be used


A study in the U.S. found that women who were denied an abortion and forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy were four times more likely to live below the poverty line years later compared to women who received an abortion​. 


Not to mention, research shows that children born as a result of unintended pregnancies experience higher rates of poverty and poorer developmental outcomes.


Reproductive rights ARE basic human rights, and if it were reversed–if it were the man who got pregnant–this wouldn’t even be a discussion. 


You can’t be pro-life without being pro-woman. Our lives matter too. Being pro-life should mean protecting ALL lives, including those of women who deserve safe, compassionate care and the freedom to make choices about their own bodies.


If women’s health, safety, and autonomy aren’t valued, then it’s not about life at all—it’s about control.


If you’d like to educate yourself more on reproductive rights, I highly recommend reading Looking for Jane and Spark of Light as accessible entry points.